Looking for peace

I’m still not sure… About a lot of things. I am working through how I feel. I’m showing up, smiling. Pushing myself to get it together. Deep breaths! Lots of them, to calm my stomach and slow my heart rate. 

I am thankful for the good days. But this live in the moment kind of thing isn’t working because at this moment I’m living in an anxiety episode.  All of the tools I’ve learned don’t help as much anymore. They just seem to pacify. 

I’m tired of thinking I need more than I have to get through the down days. I just want peace in my heart. Which reminds me of a picture I have…

  
 I’m always almost there, right at the edge… Of feeling good enough, successful enough, happy enough. I know the journey begins inside me and only I can walk the path. 

change coming… maybe?… hopefully not!

The last few days have been -take a deep breath and keep on going- days.  I have a paper due on comparing and contrasting two works of art from different time periods.  It’s been a nice distraction from my wandering mind.  The curse of over analyzing not only fills my days, it haunts my dreams.  I wonder about how to let all of this thinking go, to quiet my mind and accept life. Its hard to let go of thoughts that seemed to have always been there… I’m working on it.

I’ve been really quiet about how i’m feeling.  I don’t have to wear every last emotion on my sleeve!  Plus, all of these emotions are hard to explain.  What’s bothering me?  I don’t know.  It’s a feeling I have that change is coming that I will not enjoy. I could try and describe it… like a sinking feeling in my gut that I know the answer to an unknown question. Which makes no sense as I read it back to myself, but somehow in my heart it makes perfect sense. I’m a little confused.

I’m all over the place right now! I can’t get my thoughts straight.  At this moment I would love to have a mind, heart, gut harmony, have life all in balance.  I think that would bring me a peaceful feeling that all will work out the way I choose.  I’m hopeful, and cautiously optimistic but in reality nothing ever really works out the way you want, it works out the way it needs to happen.  Hence my feeling that an unhappy change is coming.

I’ll be ok. I’ve reached a point in my healing that I understand and respect the feelings of my loved ones if I were not here.  It doesn’t change how I feel, but it does change how I act.  I’ll tell ya though, realization is tough.  Always hoping for one outcome but getting another is not easy on my anxiety.  *sigh*

Finally…the end of the week and a brighter day

 I collect images of inspirational quotes on my phone. When I need a boost I scroll through and hope to find one that applies to my situation. I have over a hundred so it’s likely I’ll find something. This morning though I wasn’t searching for quotes, I was just looking at the adorable pictures of my dogs and I came across a quote that made me think.   

This one is confusing. I guess not all quotes are meant to be published. 😉 Talking about your blessings when you feel down can certainly help to move you along the way to brighter times, but talking about your problems will help you feel better for the long term and better appreciate those blessings. 

My mind gets lost in the overthinking realm more often than I’d like. This past week it was in overdrive! I ended up chastising myself for feeling down and not celebrating the blessings. Finally, by the end of the week, I spoke to someone about it who was right at the heart of the matter. A huge load was lifted off my shoulders, all of the overthinking was gone in an instant. 

If only I had spoken up sooner about my problem,  I would have been talking about my blessings this whole week! I hope that next time my brain does this happens I’ll speak up so I can continue enjoying the good in my life.

One thing I need to really work on, is letting all the different kinds of love into my heart. If I only search for one type I’ll pass all the others trying to get in. It’s a hard lesson for sure, especially because I focus in so specifically on parental love. All love is to be celebrated especially the kind that comes from someone who thinks your special no matter how crazy you think you act.

Today, I can take a deep breath and smile because I do feel loved and I don’t think I’ll be abandoned any time soon! 

It’s a good day!

Searching for a mother

For most of my life I’ve wanted the perfect mother. Of course I know that she doesn’t exist, and I’m certainly not one! It’s been more the idea I’ve been craving. The best friend, kiss your forehead, always a phone call away kind of mom. One who always has the perfect advice, and can make you smile through tears. Where trust is part of the foundation. You know, the one portrayed on TV. 

It’s was a little difficult watching moms on TV in the 80s. They were all so wonderful. I thought I was doing something wrong. For a while,  violation and abuse were common themes in my young life. I didn’t understand and I waited and waited and waited to be saved by my mother…I silently and loudly screamed for her, anyone to come find me and make the bad things stop happening. It never came, she never came. I eventually became too old or too developed or too strong? I fought back, I wanted it to stop so badly. 

I vividly remember one time, in 4th grade, my teacher wasn’t very fond of me and didn’t believe I was feeling  sick. I asked her a few times to go to the nurse and she finally relented. It turned out I had chicken pox. My mother was called, but since she had two toddlers at home and my father was working, she couldn’t pick me up. I sat in the nurses office for most of the day and and the afternoon, well after the students had gone home. Who did my mother send… My abuser. She didn’t know, but come on, throw the toddlers in the car and get your sick kid! 

I could really go on, but she is not the priority in this post. I can’t give in to her narcissism when she’s not even reading to enjoy it. 

So, all my life I’ve had favorite aunts and teachers and coaches. All candidates for an audition they didn’t know they were giving.  I’ve tried to find the perfect female for me, that would love me and let me love her. Someone whom I could trust with my soul, someone to smile at and know that no matter what, they aren’t going anywhere. 

It’s been the biggest search and the biggest failure of my life. I want it so badly that I’ve destroyed every possibility. Not on purpose, of course, but it’s been so hard to trust anyone that I think I may unknowlingly or knowingly sabatoge. I try too hard. I come across needy and a lil nutty. 

I have my fair share of flaws, but I thought maybe there was someone out there who would just love me and accept me for me. Help me to become a better mother and wife, guide me along in this game of life like only a mother could. I have learned to do a lot on my own. I’ve made it 41 years, haven’t I?! But… I don’t want to do it all alone. Not the mom stuff. 

I’ve been at it again, and I have found someone, a wonderful person that I connect with beautifully. She saved my life. She’s a wonderful person and I would really enjoy being in her life too.  But, It is and I am overwhelming at times.  I get excited and giddy at the prospect, just like I’m 7 years old again. For most people, asking them to open their heart is not easy or familiar. I don’t really know why I don’t give up, maybe because the glimpses of this kind of love I do receive fill me so completely that I want more. 

I do have a wonderful family and receive the support I need daily. I am extremely thankful to be healthy again and for the great people in my life. My mom and I have also come a really long way.  I do love her, and I know she did the best job she knew how, but there will always be a distance between us. 

All mothers make mistakes, we’re not perfect, even those we search for our entire lives. However, I am hopeful that there is someone searching for a daughter as I am for a mother and together we’ll have a perfectly flawed relationship. It can happen!

Three words…

…Meditation coloring book! Last week I received my first adult coloring book in the mail. Basically It’s filled with Mandelas and geared towards adults. I love it!

I’ve been searching for something to help me recenter myself and, in just a few short days, it’s been working. I’m not gifted in drawing or painting, so seeing a colorful, finished piece is cathartic. 

I’m really working on staying healthy. I do want to succeed, and thrive. Some days are better than others and small accomplishments become big victories. I wish I could say that in my heart I know I’ll succeed. What I can say is that today is a good day and I am in love with life at the moment. 

Tomorrow is not known, so I will just focus on what I can do today to help me feel alive and well. That happens to be looking forward to showing my family another colorful page in my book. 

 Here’s a finished page! 🙂 

Slowly pulling the repetitive thoughts from my head.

I want a new couch, but since the kids and the dogs wreak havoc all over it, it isn’t going to happen. I’ve thought about setting the couch on fire, that’s a good reason to get a new one. Well, it’s not a good reason, but it is an easy one. 

But seriously. I would very much like to clean my house, do the laundry, make a craft room, organize the basement, have clutter gone from the dining room, hang more pictures on my walls, redecorate my bedroom, get new floors.

That is all easy to say, from the couch! Plus, once I’m done, I’ll have to start all over again. Well, not everything, but most of it. I think I should live in our camper. Less is more takes on a whole new meaning when in a tiny space. 

I’m rambling today, I just don’t want to participate in adulthood. It would be nice to freeze time for a few hours so I can rest my brain. Then just pick up where life left off without missing a beat. I should add stop time to my list of things to do. 

I’m letting myself get overwhelmed and that leads me to do nothing which makes me feel lazy. I know I have to get my shit together. I really don’t want a permanant indent on the couch the size of my butt. I ask myself many, many times a day… What will it take for me to take some action, any action. 

I am good at pretending. If you met me, you’d never know how I really felt. And that’s ok, because a lot of people aren’t comfortable talking about mental health. But I do struggle, I do get sad and I do wish that I wasn’t here sometimes. I don’t want to feel that way and I don’t always feel that way. I have some wonderful days, weeks and months.  I take medication to help me feel better, but it doesn’t change the way I think. I’m going to struggle… And now is one of those times. 

Understanding my brain

I can’t sleep. Everything swirls in my mind… Yesterday, tomorrow, one year ago. I think I’m beginning to understand my mind. There are aspects I need to embrace and others I need to retrain.

What I love about my brain is the way it creates; alternatives to reality, impressive invention ideas, a glimpse into a wondrous world of fantasy. 

That is where I feel most comfortable, surrounded by stories of another time. Living a life unknown to me, perfecting the the art of make believe. It can show us great joy and deliver horrifying evils. 

The dark side is most worrisome, it tells tales of other lives and reuniting with relatives . It’s hard to resist being enticed by those ideas. 

I really want to soar!

More thinking on a Sunday

I’ve been thinking… Again… That maybe the reason I don’t have a great recall memory is because my brain is always thinking about something other than the present. Something that happened a day ago, I’ll think about for three more days. Or, something that is coming up, I’ll think about it days before it’s going to happen.  It’s endless. This doesn’t really help with my journey to find a passion.

I watched a hawk today. It was gliding through the air so effortlessly. As I watched it soar, I closed my eyes and imagined flying over the tree tops, watching the ground move father and farther away. 

How high I would go! Feel the wind on my face as I try to touch to the stars. If I take a deep breath and close my eyes, I can almost feel it all! How freeing it would be to just jump.

Writing to unleash the thoughts

When I write, I don’t think about who will read or how it will be interpreted. I write to empty the pent up thoughts that weigh my mind down, to free up some space for other thoughts. 

It seems my brain goes trough cycles, a small thought seed is planted and travels through each emotional segment in my mind until I am so familiar and overwhelmed by all the possibilities that I might explode. 

It’s part of my make up, the way I think. Some thoughts don’t manifest as long as others but all go through the same process. If I don’t own them, they will plague me until I do… Good, bad, beautiful or ugly. 

The most fortunate thing about the way I think is that I know I don’t have to follow through with every single thought, as much as my mind tries to persuade me otherwise. That’s a good thing and a bad thing. It prevents a lot of joy along with a lot of sad. 

I am trying to retrain my brain. I busy myself with activities both physical and mental. What usually happens is that when the activity is over the over thinking picks right up where it left off, However the break is always welcome. 

It’s definitely been a rough summer, I’m hoping the season change will usher in an uplifting spirit within me. Life around me is changing, I would like to change right along side it. 

stay?

Sitting on a train watching the scenery go by… Where could I go, what would I do when I got there. There are glimpses of life in the house windows as the train barrels down the track. 

I think about this. What would my life be like if I just walked away. What kind of mess would I leave behind? The other day, as I was driving, I realized that if I were to leave most of what I’ve built will fall apart. I know eventually life would settle down and go on, but at that exact moment of realization there would be sadness and upheaval. I saw it in my daughters eyes, In my sons eyes. I can’t leave a mess to be cleaned up by my husband. As much as I want to check out, I just can’t. I need to hold on, even if it’s one tiny sliver of hope. 

There are many people, I’ve realized, that support me. I am grateful and humbled by the love I’ve received but don’t think I deserve. Every day I wake up and hope that it will be the first day I don’t think about leaving this world. That those around me would be better off. I hate feeling that way! I am worth this life, and the love I receive! I just want to believe it down in the depths of my soul.