Does my mind have the answer

I had a dream about my dad last night. I haven’t had one in a while. He sat with me on the couch and took the time to be interested in what I was writing. I don’t remember what exactly I was writing. He said “Come on, let’s go through this”

I have been writing,  just not posting. I have two posts in my drafts that I’m hesitant to put out there. I’m not sure why, this is my outlet and I shouldn’t be afraid. Lately though, I’ve kinda become afraid of a lot of things. 

I’ve begun to detach myself from the outside world. I need a mental break, some down time. I’ve been kind of wandering through my head looking around at all that goes on in there, trying to make some new sense of it all. 

Since I don’t get physical alone time too often, I take mental alone time. I’ll shut out everyone and turn inward so I can get a handle on myself. No one will even know the difference. I may get a bit quieter but not much else will change. 

I don’t have much choice, everything else I’ve been trying is not working. I’m at the end. Hopefully the answer is tucked away in the folds of my mind.

It was wonderful to see my dad again, I really miss him!

Holding on

  

Climbing the mountain

“See that mountain, right there in front of you? You have to climb it!” My legs don’t move.

I look up and see an impossible task, bigger than I can handle. I turn to see what’s around me and there is no one. Just me and a wall, almost as tall as the mountain. I wish the door was open to let people in. It seems so simple, so easy, just turn a knob. I’m frozen. 

With the wall behind me and the mountain in front of me, I’m surrounded by the echoes of my voice telling me over and over that something is wrong. My heart aches and my brain is tired. I want it to stop. 

The only way out that I can see is up. As I begin to climb all I can think about is the door in the wall. I want someone to break it down, come and get me. Show me how to open the door on my own. 

The climb is difficult, but I have to get out of here somehow. I hope, by the time I reach the top, I’ll have a view of the other side and all the answers I seek are before me and I’m welcomed with open arms. 

Then, I can relax. 

Trust and vulnerability

I’ve written about trust and vulnerability many times. I have learned so many ways to let love and light into my life. Opening up is a great feeling. You don’t feel as strange or different when all the thoughts hidden in your mind are spoken. Weights have been lifted off of me, relationships mended. All from learning and understanding the importance of vulnerability and trust. It was not easy, it was actually quite painful, I fought it the entire way. But, It’s been amazing seeing the world through this new lens. 

Ok, so walk with me now through my thoughts… This new way of being has begun inside you, you’re standing there arms wide open, heart and mind willing, waiting to show the world all you have learned! You try it out on a few close friends and your spouse or significant other. Slowly, it becomes easier. To talk more, show the sides of yourself that you were afraid to let out. You’re more confident, smiling more. Just feeling good! Then, things slowly begin to go back to the way they were. Communicating less, not trusting yourself, doubting trust in others.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I think that trust and vulnerability will never feel comfortable for me and I’ll always be a little unsure. It’s a lot of mental work to keep my heart and mind open. It might also have a lot to do with overthinking. Staying healthy takes a lot of work. 

There are a few things that are proving to be most difficult; being vulnerable on a long term basis. Relationships are a give and take and understanding that balance isn’t easy for me. Putting my trust in someone and not being sure if it will be reciprocated. That’s a huge leap of faith! And lastly being patient and letting something evolve organically. Not sure how to explain that… I get anxious in some situations and overcoming that has been a problem. 

Most of these difficulties I’ve been able to keep to myself and work around them or pretend they don’t exist. Lately though, it’s been taking over my brain. I’m letting it out in my writing and while that’s freeing, it’s not the same as human interaction. Maybe that’s where I need to start… With more face to face meaningful interactions.  Just have to work on the whole vulnerability thing so that can happen. 

standing in a tornado

Ever get the feeling the world is spinning around you, like a tornado, and you are standing in the middle watching it all? Sometimes you feel the courage to jump in the spiral and other times you can’t muster the energy to participate. 

I pretty much feel that way right now. I’m standing in the eye watching life go by, I’m not sad or happy just…there. When I can jump into the wind, I’m able to participate and function. Eventually, my energy wears out and I have to retreat to the center. 

It’s just been a strange week. I do feel I am at crossroad and I don’t know which way to turn or where to look for the answer. I’m just standing there…staring. 

Hugs

I need one of these today. 

  

thinking, thinking and thinking some more

Ahh life! Throws you curve ball after curve ball. How to make sense of it all. I feel I’m at a junction. Do I forge on and continue making the new path, or do I take a step back, sit and reflect… is this really the path I want to be on. 

I think so much about all of this. I’m tired, I don’t want to anymore. I just can’t seem to stop. Physically and emotionally, I’m drained. I need to feel good again. 

As I’m typing, I’m listening to my daughter sing in her room. She’s so innocent, and caring and loving. She does make me smile. I wish I could see life through her eyes. I lost my innocence so early that I forget what that feels like. 

For that reason, I always try to see the good in everyone. You just never know the silent struggles people go through. Not everyone is healed. Or even thinks they need to be healed.  

I have a life and am surrounded by love. What could be missing? What could I want? Besides, looking outside for fullfillment instead of inside tells me I’m not loving myself properly. Not every day can be good, or great. Life can be boring and normal and that’s ok.  Probably looking to others to fill that love will never work. Right? 

Crying when angry

I very rarely get angry anymore. I get upset with the kids or argue with my husband, but I don’t fly off the handle like I used to. It’s nice. Could be because stuff just doesn’t bother me, I don’t care, or I think through the situation. Most likely, it’s a combination of all three. 

When I do get angry, I cry. A lot! It’s so funny that I do that. Maybe my feelings get hurt in the process and that’s why I cry? I don’t like to cry in front of people either, even my husband. I feel like it’s a side of me I like to keep to myself. When I’m upset or angry I need to think, try and sort it out in my head first.

I cried a little today, and I’m not sure why. I’ve also written a post three days in a row. I only write when I can’t think straight. Something is definitely up! Well…I did already know something was up, just not sure what it is. I thought I had it nailed down, but now I’m not so sure. 

…sigh…