I’m thinking of maybe stopping the blog. When I first started it felt liberating to get my story out and now it just feels like I say the same thing over and over. I’m asking the same questions coming up with the same answers. I just need to realize that life doesn’t always go the way you want and accept that I’ve worked hard to get to a normal for me.
I’ve been in a constant state of supressed anxiety this week that I feel like my stomach will hurt forever. I’m working on it. You know, maybe something isn’t missing from my life… maybe I want to add too much. LIfe isn’t perfect and never will be. Doing so much work to better yourself then always saying “you’re almost there” seems a negative way to look at everything. I keep all the doors open, when some should be shut and locked!
Sometimes, I miss the old coping mechanisms. While not healthy, they gave me a sense of calm and control. I don’t like feeling I have no control. I definitely had an unrealistic expectation then of what being healthy would be like now. I miss that vision, that fantasy. Ultimately joy and content will have to come from within me and not from other people. I don’t know, maybe it’s time to close that chapter of my life and move towards something else…. I wonder what that looks like, “something else”.
One step at a time.