I’m looking at the blank page wondering what thoughts will spill onto the page. A blank page is an opportunity to start fresh, all the written words on the previous page can be forgotten and new words put down. Beginnings always start with the best intentions and expectations. Keep that in check because unrealistic expectations will turn those best intentions into a sad reality. disappointment, frustration, reality all hit you in the face while screaming “I can not be your mother”. Yeah, that happened. In fairness to all parties, I was over the top. That happens when I get confused and afraid someone is going to leave me, I latch on for dear life. Not something I’m proud of, but it helped me learn the lesson.
I’ve written about my “search for a mother figure” before. I found her and she’s wonderful, but I started getting clingy and my very high expectations caught up with me. I pushed and pushed and pushed until she finally broke and delivered those words I knew would come eventually. “I can not be your mother and I will always choose my family over you”. I did set it up but it wasn’t entirely conscience. I wanted to hear it so I could move on. Her reason was she needed to take the pressure off of herself to be what I wanted her to be. Of course that was not specific enough so I pushed harder until she had to say those words. As soon as she said them I felt relieved and sad. Relieved that it finally was out there and sad that I made it happen. I instantly felt let down and abandoned, so the self-sabatoge worked.
After all of that happened, she’s still my friend. I’m not sure why. She said what we went through will help us move forward and become closer. Still trying to figure that out, but I’m really glad she didn’t leave. She promised me a long time ago that she wouldn’t leave and I guess she meant it. I’m still very leary and don’t trust her as much as I did before, but I’m not going anywhere.
I had my cards read for the first time recently and the woman said I should write more. Hopefully writing for pleasure and relaxation will ignite my love of it again. There are so many stories in my brain that want to be preserved on the crisp, blank pages. A new beginning could be just around the corner.