For most of my life I’ve wanted the perfect mother. Of course I know that she doesn’t exist, and I’m certainly not one! It’s been more the idea I’ve been craving. The best friend, kiss your forehead, always a phone call away kind of mom. One who always has the perfect advice, and can make you smile through tears. Where trust is part of the foundation. You know, the one portrayed on TV.
It’s was a little difficult watching moms on TV in the 80s. They were all so wonderful. I thought I was doing something wrong. For a while, violation and abuse were common themes in my young life. I didn’t understand and I waited and waited and waited to be saved by my mother…I silently and loudly screamed for her, anyone to come find me and make the bad things stop happening. It never came, she never came. I eventually became too old or too developed or too strong? I fought back, I wanted it to stop so badly.
I vividly remember one time, in 4th grade, my teacher wasn’t very fond of me and didn’t believe I was feeling sick. I asked her a few times to go to the nurse and she finally relented. It turned out I had chicken pox. My mother was called, but since she had two toddlers at home and my father was working, she couldn’t pick me up. I sat in the nurses office for most of the day and and the afternoon, well after the students had gone home. Who did my mother send… My abuser. She didn’t know, but come on, throw the toddlers in the car and get your sick kid!
I could really go on, but she is not the priority in this post. I can’t give in to her narcissism when she’s not even reading to enjoy it.
So, all my life I’ve had favorite aunts and teachers and coaches. All candidates for an audition they didn’t know they were giving. I’ve tried to find the perfect female for me, that would love me and let me love her. Someone whom I could trust with my soul, someone to smile at and know that no matter what, they aren’t going anywhere.
It’s been the biggest search and the biggest failure of my life. I want it so badly that I’ve destroyed every possibility. Not on purpose, of course, but it’s been so hard to trust anyone that I think I may unknowlingly or knowingly sabatoge. I try too hard. I come across needy and a lil nutty.
I have my fair share of flaws, but I thought maybe there was someone out there who would just love me and accept me for me. Help me to become a better mother and wife, guide me along in this game of life like only a mother could. I have learned to do a lot on my own. I’ve made it 41 years, haven’t I?! But… I don’t want to do it all alone. Not the mom stuff.
I’ve been at it again, and I have found someone, a wonderful person that I connect with beautifully. She saved my life. She’s a wonderful person and I would really enjoy being in her life too. But, It is and I am overwhelming at times. I get excited and giddy at the prospect, just like I’m 7 years old again. For most people, asking them to open their heart is not easy or familiar. I don’t really know why I don’t give up, maybe because the glimpses of this kind of love I do receive fill me so completely that I want more.
I do have a wonderful family and receive the support I need daily. I am extremely thankful to be healthy again and for the great people in my life. My mom and I have also come a really long way. I do love her, and I know she did the best job she knew how, but there will always be a distance between us.
All mothers make mistakes, we’re not perfect, even those we search for our entire lives. However, I am hopeful that there is someone searching for a daughter as I am for a mother and together we’ll have a perfectly flawed relationship. It can happen!
One Step, One Breath 