Understanding my brain

I can’t sleep. Everything swirls in my mind… Yesterday, tomorrow, one year ago. I think I’m beginning to understand my mind. There are aspects I need to embrace and others I need to retrain.

What I love about my brain is the way it creates; alternatives to reality, impressive invention ideas, a glimpse into a wondrous world of fantasy. 

That is where I feel most comfortable, surrounded by stories of another time. Living a life unknown to me, perfecting the the art of make believe. It can show us great joy and deliver horrifying evils. 

The dark side is most worrisome, it tells tales of other lives and reuniting with relatives . It’s hard to resist being enticed by those ideas. 

I really want to soar!

More thinking on a Sunday

I’ve been thinking… Again… That maybe the reason I don’t have a great recall memory is because my brain is always thinking about something other than the present. Something that happened a day ago, I’ll think about for three more days. Or, something that is coming up, I’ll think about it days before it’s going to happen.  It’s endless. This doesn’t really help with my journey to find a passion.

I watched a hawk today. It was gliding through the air so effortlessly. As I watched it soar, I closed my eyes and imagined flying over the tree tops, watching the ground move father and farther away. 

How high I would go! Feel the wind on my face as I try to touch to the stars. If I take a deep breath and close my eyes, I can almost feel it all! How freeing it would be to just jump.

Writing to unleash the thoughts

When I write, I don’t think about who will read or how it will be interpreted. I write to empty the pent up thoughts that weigh my mind down, to free up some space for other thoughts. 

It seems my brain goes trough cycles, a small thought seed is planted and travels through each emotional segment in my mind until I am so familiar and overwhelmed by all the possibilities that I might explode. 

It’s part of my make up, the way I think. Some thoughts don’t manifest as long as others but all go through the same process. If I don’t own them, they will plague me until I do… Good, bad, beautiful or ugly. 

The most fortunate thing about the way I think is that I know I don’t have to follow through with every single thought, as much as my mind tries to persuade me otherwise. That’s a good thing and a bad thing. It prevents a lot of joy along with a lot of sad. 

I am trying to retrain my brain. I busy myself with activities both physical and mental. What usually happens is that when the activity is over the over thinking picks right up where it left off, However the break is always welcome. 

It’s definitely been a rough summer, I’m hoping the season change will usher in an uplifting spirit within me. Life around me is changing, I would like to change right along side it. 

stay?

Sitting on a train watching the scenery go by… Where could I go, what would I do when I got there. There are glimpses of life in the house windows as the train barrels down the track. 

I think about this. What would my life be like if I just walked away. What kind of mess would I leave behind? The other day, as I was driving, I realized that if I were to leave most of what I’ve built will fall apart. I know eventually life would settle down and go on, but at that exact moment of realization there would be sadness and upheaval. I saw it in my daughters eyes, In my sons eyes. I can’t leave a mess to be cleaned up by my husband. As much as I want to check out, I just can’t. I need to hold on, even if it’s one tiny sliver of hope. 

There are many people, I’ve realized, that support me. I am grateful and humbled by the love I’ve received but don’t think I deserve. Every day I wake up and hope that it will be the first day I don’t think about leaving this world. That those around me would be better off. I hate feeling that way! I am worth this life, and the love I receive! I just want to believe it down in the depths of my soul. 

A month of questions with no answers

It’s been a while. After a month of reflection (if that’s even what it was) I’m still in the same spot. There were some great moments, fantastic days. I’m thankful for those. 

But seriously!! Life is hard! There are days where I think the world is better off without me, that everything I touch falls apart. 

I’m still here, thinking and writing and sitting on my couch, unmotivated. I know I’m the only person holding me back, that I’m capable of so much more… My mind is blank. I have no answers, no dreams, no passions. I’m lazy, scared and empty. 

This past month, I’ve reached out to really connect with a few people. I didn’t quite get the result I wanted. I’m thinking that what I want is something that should come from myself. I worry too much, I over think everything… I try so hard to stop doing these things, yet always end up feeling and acting the same way.

I don’t know where I thought all these answers of self discovery would come from, I just know I’ve thought a lot about unlocking something inside myself that would help me soar. 

I’ve come up empty handed, defeated and lonley. I can see that I’m not any of those things, it’s just the way I feel. All the while, the suggestions of friends and family playing in my head. The intentions are good, but most I’ve already thought of or tried.

 I have no clue what to do next… maybe the post should have been titled “musings of the lazy couch dweller”