Can we be friends?

I’m starting to think we shouldn’t be friends. It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that I love you too much. All of my life I have been searching for that one friend who would become best friend, and I thought that was you.  Three years it’s been and I still feel the same amount of anxiety today as I did on day one. The thing is, it’s not just you, it’s everyone. I fit nowhere. My personality is too off the wall and always misunderstood. Today I asked my husband if I was immature or too goofy and he said, “you act appropriate for the situation” and that if I was “serious all the time life would be boring”.

So when I try to get close to someone they end up rejecting me? Too overbearing, too clingy? No one will tell me for fear of hurting my feelings? I’m not fragile, I’ve dealt with some tough stuff. Just be honest and move on, I don’t have time for people who aren’t real. I want friends who can appreciate my goofiness and not misunderstand my intentions. Or I want me to get a clue that it is me. I don’t know, but for all I’ve been through this one seems to be a real challenge in understanding since I can only turn inward to find the answers. I am searching for answers… just haven’t found any yet.

Writing again- hopefully

I’m looking at the blank page wondering what thoughts will spill onto the page. A blank page is an opportunity to start fresh, all the written words on the previous page can be forgotten and new words put down. Beginnings always start with the best intentions and expectations. Keep that in check because unrealistic expectations will turn those best intentions into a sad reality.  disappointment, frustration, reality all hit you in the face while screaming “I can not be your mother”.  Yeah, that happened. In fairness to all parties, I was over the top.  That happens when I get confused and afraid someone is going to leave me, I latch on for dear life.  Not something I’m proud of, but it helped me learn the lesson.

I’ve written about my “search for a mother figure” before.  I found her and she’s wonderful, but I started getting clingy and my very high expectations caught up with me.  I pushed and pushed and pushed until she finally broke and delivered those words I knew would come eventually.  “I can not be your mother and I will always choose my family over you”. I did set it up but it wasn’t entirely conscience.  I wanted to hear it so I could move on. Her reason was she needed to take the pressure off of herself to be what I wanted her to be.  Of course that was not specific enough so I pushed harder until she had to say those words.  As soon as she said them I felt relieved and sad.  Relieved that it finally was out there and sad that I made it happen. I instantly felt let down and abandoned, so the self-sabatoge worked.

After all of that happened, she’s still my friend.  I’m not sure why.  She said what we went through will help us move forward and become closer.  Still trying to figure that out, but I’m really glad she didn’t leave. She promised me a long time ago that she wouldn’t leave and I guess she meant it.  I’m still very leary and don’t trust her as much as I did before, but I’m not going anywhere.

I had my cards read for the first time recently and the woman said I should write more.  Hopefully writing for pleasure and relaxation will ignite my love of it again.  There are so many stories in my brain that want to be preserved on the crisp, blank pages.  A new beginning could be just around the corner.

 

Looking for peace

I’m still not sure… About a lot of things. I am working through how I feel. I’m showing up, smiling. Pushing myself to get it together. Deep breaths! Lots of them, to calm my stomach and slow my heart rate. 

I am thankful for the good days. But this live in the moment kind of thing isn’t working because at this moment I’m living in an anxiety episode.  All of the tools I’ve learned don’t help as much anymore. They just seem to pacify. 

I’m tired of thinking I need more than I have to get through the down days. I just want peace in my heart. Which reminds me of a picture I have…

  
 I’m always almost there, right at the edge… Of feeling good enough, successful enough, happy enough. I know the journey begins inside me and only I can walk the path. 

blog?

I’m thinking of maybe stopping the blog.  When I first started it felt liberating to get my story out and now it just feels like I say the same thing over and over. I’m asking the same questions coming up with the same answers.  I just need to realize that life doesn’t always go the way you want and accept that I’ve worked hard to get to a normal for me.

I’ve been in a constant state of supressed anxiety this week that I feel like my stomach will hurt forever. I’m working on it. You know, maybe something isn’t missing from my life… maybe I want to add too much. LIfe isn’t perfect and never will be.  Doing so much work to better yourself then always saying “you’re almost there” seems a negative way to look at everything. I keep all the doors open, when some should be shut and locked!

Sometimes, I miss the old coping mechanisms.  While not healthy, they gave me a sense of calm and control.  I don’t like feeling I have no control. I definitely had an unrealistic expectation then of what being healthy would be like now.  I miss that vision, that fantasy.  Ultimately joy and content will have to come from within me and not from other people.  I don’t know, maybe it’s time to close that chapter of my life and move towards something else…. I wonder what that looks like, “something else”.

One step at a time.

change coming… maybe?… hopefully not!

The last few days have been -take a deep breath and keep on going- days.  I have a paper due on comparing and contrasting two works of art from different time periods.  It’s been a nice distraction from my wandering mind.  The curse of over analyzing not only fills my days, it haunts my dreams.  I wonder about how to let all of this thinking go, to quiet my mind and accept life. Its hard to let go of thoughts that seemed to have always been there… I’m working on it.

I’ve been really quiet about how i’m feeling.  I don’t have to wear every last emotion on my sleeve!  Plus, all of these emotions are hard to explain.  What’s bothering me?  I don’t know.  It’s a feeling I have that change is coming that I will not enjoy. I could try and describe it… like a sinking feeling in my gut that I know the answer to an unknown question. Which makes no sense as I read it back to myself, but somehow in my heart it makes perfect sense. I’m a little confused.

I’m all over the place right now! I can’t get my thoughts straight.  At this moment I would love to have a mind, heart, gut harmony, have life all in balance.  I think that would bring me a peaceful feeling that all will work out the way I choose.  I’m hopeful, and cautiously optimistic but in reality nothing ever really works out the way you want, it works out the way it needs to happen.  Hence my feeling that an unhappy change is coming.

I’ll be ok. I’ve reached a point in my healing that I understand and respect the feelings of my loved ones if I were not here.  It doesn’t change how I feel, but it does change how I act.  I’ll tell ya though, realization is tough.  Always hoping for one outcome but getting another is not easy on my anxiety.  *sigh*

Finally…the end of the week and a brighter day

 I collect images of inspirational quotes on my phone. When I need a boost I scroll through and hope to find one that applies to my situation. I have over a hundred so it’s likely I’ll find something. This morning though I wasn’t searching for quotes, I was just looking at the adorable pictures of my dogs and I came across a quote that made me think.   

This one is confusing. I guess not all quotes are meant to be published. 😉 Talking about your blessings when you feel down can certainly help to move you along the way to brighter times, but talking about your problems will help you feel better for the long term and better appreciate those blessings. 

My mind gets lost in the overthinking realm more often than I’d like. This past week it was in overdrive! I ended up chastising myself for feeling down and not celebrating the blessings. Finally, by the end of the week, I spoke to someone about it who was right at the heart of the matter. A huge load was lifted off my shoulders, all of the overthinking was gone in an instant. 

If only I had spoken up sooner about my problem,  I would have been talking about my blessings this whole week! I hope that next time my brain does this happens I’ll speak up so I can continue enjoying the good in my life.

One thing I need to really work on, is letting all the different kinds of love into my heart. If I only search for one type I’ll pass all the others trying to get in. It’s a hard lesson for sure, especially because I focus in so specifically on parental love. All love is to be celebrated especially the kind that comes from someone who thinks your special no matter how crazy you think you act.

Today, I can take a deep breath and smile because I do feel loved and I don’t think I’ll be abandoned any time soon! 

It’s a good day!

the love I seek

I woke up last night at 4am panicked. I published a post yesterday that started out, as any other, writing about feelings and dealing with my depression.  At some point it evolved, my soul took over and spoke without regard for who was reading or what was being typed.  I deleted it. Ok, Maybe it wasn’t as revealing as I thought, but I know it made me feel vulnerable and I couldn’t let that happen.

I’m tired, my favorite excuse lately, of wasting my energy searching for people who don’t exist. Why do my childhood fantasies always come flooding back?  Staying away from the triggers would help, but I never know which people are going to trigger the feelings. I see a man who resembles my father and I’m lost in the flood of memories. If I have the opportunity, I also try to make this man my new best friend. Its kind of heartbreaking when my time is up and I have to go home.

I have been able to overcome traumas. I managed to redevelop a loving family atmosphere where my children can thrive. I worked hard to have a great marriage. I have even accepted that I will need to take medication for the rest of my life.  I’m glad I was able to accomplish all of that and have a better quality of life. I just can not figure out why I cling to finding pseudo parents. It must have to do with feeling unconditionally loved. I know my mom loves me and my dad did love me. There is something missing, a feeling I guess. Something so that I know I can mess up and not be left. Left to figure it out by myself, left because I wasn’t worth the time. Left to wonder if I was ever loved in the first place. I like to believe that the majority of families cultivate that feeling. I shower my kids with love in hopes they feel it. I wish I felt it.

People always leave, emotionally or physically and for whatever reason. Reasons that have nothing to do with me. They leave for reasons that are best for them, as it should be. I have no claim on anyone, no one is obligated to me.  It’s just a waiting game and the only play I can control is when the leave happens.  So I make the first move. If I leave first I won’t be hurt. It’s no way to think or live. When these parental feelings are triggered, I’m in a constant state of anxiety. I need constant reassurance of love and friendship.

I don’t like feeling this way, it hurts my stomach and I feel like a child.  Does this kind of love exist? Can I get what I feel I missed out on from someone else?  Does it feel the same if I love myself that way?  I have answers to these questions and they’re all no, because I’ve tried. And Guess what I never give up, I just keep on searching for some yet to be discovered reason. One day, right?  It could happen.

Twenty years

Any thing can happen in twenty years, anything. A lot has happened too; babies, marriages, deaths, new houses, college degrees, graduations, first day of school, lots and lots of pictures. Pictures of family and friends, celebrating all of life’s moments, capturing those precious pieces of time so we’ll never forget. 

The thing is, a picture only goes so far. There are smells, hugs and kisses, feelings…all things a camera or video can’t capture. That feeling, the one you miss the most, the one that sits in the hole in your heart, the one that you spend your whole life trying to fill, the feeling that has no name because it encompasses so many different emotions. Those emotions each carry a memory. Those memories each have a smell. Those smells trigger the feeling all over again. As time goes on, the smells fade. The tshirt, the pillowcase, the fishing hat, smell like every day objects. 

New life memories begin to replace the old memories. Eventually you forget his smell, the sound of his voice, what he looks like, the smell of his hair, the strength of his hugs. Looking at a picture or watching a video will never bring them back. It will never bring him back. 

So many times I saw him, walking down the street, on tv, in a newspaper. It could have been him! He could have amesia, he could have another family, he could be in financial trouble. It wouldn’t matter where he was or what he did. I could forgive anything…to see him, introduce him to his son in law, his grandchildren. Four of us are married and three of us have kids, you have 7 grandchildren and another on the way. You would love the way we all turned out. 

I have a funny story to tell you too. I love older men. I’m drawn to them. Not all of them, Lol, just the ones that had hair and a goatee like you. I want to see them smile and laugh and hug me. Every time that happens I feel like I’m seeing and feeling a piece of you. It’s always fleeting but it makes me feel so wonderful, that for one minute my dad is still here experiencing life with me. Yeah, I know it’s silly, But it makes me smile. 

I love you so very much, we love you so very much. I miss you and hope you are enjoying your salad with a roll and a beer. xoxo

RIP, daddy! 

Body image

With the cold weather approaching, so does the ritual changing of the clothes. Today, before I put on the first pair of jeans since last winter, I had a brief twinge of anxiety… What if they don’t fit? So many women and young girls are thinking the same thing right now. The idea of gaining a little or a lot of weight brings about a terrible anxiety that is reinforced by every magazine and tv show. Beauty is celebrated if a woman looks younger than she is, has all the new trends and weights 100lbs! Beauty is so much more than that, it’s a state of mind. An acceptance that allows you to enjoy the skin you’re in! 

As I tried on those jeans this morning and had that brief twinge of anxiety, it reignited some memories. Thoughts of years ago when I wouldn’t eat if I thought I was getting fat. I wasn’t anorexic, but I did have a problem. Whenever I was stressed I couldn’t eat, I’d get sick. I definitely wasn’t comfortable in my skin and thought, the skinnier I was the more I’d be appealing. All those times I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough to be noticed swirled in my head. 

I now know why I felt inadequate, after years of self discovery, but I still sometimes struggle with body image. I still have to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am and how much I am loved. My poor body image was a symptom of a diseased mind. Depression has that sneaky way of wiggling into all aspects of your life and it slowly but surely tears them apart. When you try to put the pieces back, they never seem to fit. A fractured mind needs love, support and especially guidance… from within! No one will ever love you the way you love yourself.

Today was a victory! The jeans were a little tight, and I didn’t change.  I smiled, and told myself how good I looked. If you aren’t your own cheerleader, you won’t feel good about yourself. Try smiling at yourself in the mirror, maybe even throw in a compliment about one of your features. You won’t believe it at first, but trust me, eventually you will. Even if it lasts a few seconds, you will feel better.  

We’re all in this together. You got this!

My friend

I have a friend, a pretty amazing friend! When I see this friend my heart explodes with love. I truly adore this person.

This particular friend has helped me back from the edge. Ever so lovingly, has helped guide me through the black cloud of depression… without asking anything in return. What this person did was above and beyond what is required of a friend.

I have told my friend over and over how special they are and how thankful and grateful and indebted I am to their  time invested in me. It’s people like my friend that you want nothing but the best for; a beautiful life, loving family and friends, a healthy mind and body. 

This summer has been a particularly tough one for my friend. They have had to deal with a few life issues at once, all while being strong and helping other people. I want this friend to know, if they are reading, that no matter what, you are a beautiful soul and you cultivate joy and happiness around you. Those that don’t appreciate you haven’t found, in themselves, what you exude. They are unable to see you in your true light. Know that there are others out there who know you and love you and will stop at nothing to make sure your smile shines! 

I wish my friend, and all those reading this, finds a person just like this in their lifetime!! All human beings deserve this kind of love and attention. 

Love and peace all around today! 

I love you, my friend!